Kroger Take and Bake Double Pepperoni
Updated: Jul 30
Happy National Pizza week everyone! With the pandemic still in full swing, Eric and I have been trying to stay in as much as possible. Our posting has definitely suffered because of it, but we can’t wait for things to get back to somewhat normal so we can share even more of our love for pizza. Even though we can’t go out to restaurants, that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying to find some more of the best frozen pizzas from your local grocer. Unfortunately, Kroger’s take and bake double pepperoni pizza cannot be classified as one of the best.
The price might seem alluring to most, a whole $5.00 for this double pepperoni pizza. But in all honesty, this was a pizza that we ended up sharing with the garbage. It’s one of those pizzas where you say to yourself, “I know I’m starving, but this really isn’t worth the calories. I’ll just eat some Sweetarts instead.”
The first obvious sign that this wasn’t going to be great was the Italian seasoning that had been carelessly sprinkled on top of the pizza. I have found it as a tell-tale sign of a very bland and crappy pizza. I wasn’t surprised when it turned out I was right.
The pizza itself cooked nicely and looked great when we pulled it out of the oven. It was a very simple: Place it on the center rack at 375°F for about 15 minutes.
The crust was nice and golden. It was almost like a mix between a hand tossed crust and a flat bread if that helps you visualize it at all. But this pizza had zero flavor. I even looked at Eric and said, “If I were blind, I wouldn’t even know there was pepperoni on this.” One might think with the name double pepperoni pizza you’d be able to taste it right? Well no. In this case the double pepperoni just meant two different kinds of pepperoni: sliced and cubed. The pepperoni had -20 pep however. I don’t even know how it’s possible. How does a meat have ZERO flavor?
The sauce was just the same with flavor being the absent father in this case. All joking aside I almost worried for a moment that I had COVID and was losing my sense of taste, but everything else before and after tasted normal. The cheese had a flavor, but it reminded me of imitation cheese. Wait…I know what it reminded me of. It’s like if someone went to IKEA and said, “Can you make me some cheese?” You know how a lot of their tables are really just thin sheets of wood with a honeycomb cardboard in the center? That’s what this cheese was like. I imagine it's what vegan or dairy-free cheese would be like. It just had the weirdest texture. Like…the shreds were hollow on the inside and when you chewed on it you could feel the center give way and collapse. Y’all know I’m super particular about cheese and texture. This cheese was just odd. Almost resembled the cheese you find on the cafeteria square pizzas in public school. It was like the uncanny valley of cheeses. It looked like cheese, cooked like cheese, kind of tasted like cheese, but something just wasn’t quite right about it.
Anyway, if you skipped to the end, my thoughts are YEET this pizza in the trash. Don’t even waste your $5. Go to Little Caesars if you need something quick and easy. Your pizza from there would at least be a little larger, already cooked and 10x better. Go get yourself a milkshake or something that you’ll actually enjoy that has just as many calories.